PRIVACY IN MARRIAGE: YAY OR NAY?
When I got married one of the things I found strange was the fact that I was expected to become someone else.
One thing that shocks people about marriage is that they can’t understand how you can be married and be an individual.
But you need to understand that marriage is about oneness and unity but you are also an individual which is why they talk about 1+1 becoming one.
You are United but yet you are individuals.
Think about it this way, something attracted you to your spouse, a particular personality, a particular quality or a particular trait, an attitude or behavior.
It was just something that made you stand apart from other people for which you got the person’s attention.
If that quality or personality is no longer there the person loses interest.
There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy.
Here is an example:
“PRIVACY is having some quality time or spiritual time alone. SECRECY in a marriage can be a form of deceit.”
If before now you thought that you can’t be an individual and be married probably this example might set the record straight.
Talking about being an individual in marriage is not about running a separatist policy.
Where you are married and running your agenda while the other person is running his or her agenda, that is not marriage.
Such a thing cannot work, that is what comes to mind each time we talk about individuality in marriage.
A lot of people find it strange how you can get married and be an individual, especially if you are female.
People expect women to change themselves and become their husbands which wouldn’t work because come to think about it we all have different interests.
The way marriage works are when you have similar goals, similar visions, and you share the same values and the same morals.
Those foundational qualities should be the same, there’s a better chance of your marriage working.
As far as your interests go they must not be the same.
For instance, my husband is in the health sector and I write.
No matter what people say to me I am not a doctor and not a nurse.
I’m not a pharmacist, I’m not a medical lab scientist.
In that case, our interests are different.
My husband loves politics, I do not love politics. I have different interests.
The kind of music I love is not what my husband loves, he loves different kinds of music and different kinds of movies.
When you come to football we don’t support the same football.
This doesn’t mean that we are not united and we’re not working towards the same Vision.
People have this notion that as a married couple your life has been the same, and your interest must be the same.
That is not true. What has to be the same are your values, moral standards, and your beliefs because those things are foundational and they cannot be different.
When it comes to your dreams they must not be aligned in the same direction.
You can have a different dream from your spouse that doesn’t make you not to be united.
When we talk about privacy what comes to the mind of so many people is the issue of secrecy.
Privacy and secrecy are not the same. When we talk about privacy people start to think about you hiding something from your spouse.
There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy.
Here is an example:
PRIVACY is having some quality time or spiritual time alone. SECRECY in a marriage can be a form of deceit.”
How can you be married and hide something from your spouse, they ask, that is privacy to them.
The question now becomes whether privacy is possible between married couples and the answer is yes but it depends.
It’s a little tricky but yes privacy is possible in a few instances.
𝟏. 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔
Someone will ask if you tell your spouse everything and so many people would echo yes they do but in the real sense of the word do you would you tell your spouse everything?
If you keep some things from your spouse does that mean you are defaulting?
I don’t believe you should tell your spouse everything.
People often say that you know the kind of spouse you are married to should determine the kind of things you do.
If you know that you are being insulted at work by a male colleague, probably not your boss.
If you tell your husband about this disturbance it could lead to several kinds of things.
First of all, he could turn the tables on you and accuse you of flirting with this male colleague of yours.
He could also go to your place of work and beat up your colleague or get him arrested and that could lead you to lose your job which you need.
You need that job and you cannot lose it. So what do you do?
You may have reported this colleague to Human Resources and it has not materialized.
Do you have an Elder brother or a father who is close by, or do you have just some male figure who is more understanding?
Do you have a relative or your friend who could stand up for you?
You could tell that person because they will have a better solution.
My point is not to encourage you to lie but if you know that if you open up it will lead to something else, wisdom is profitable to direct.
It’s not like you having an affair with this man and you hiding it.
He’s harassing you and you need to get him off your back and you need a male figure to do that for you.
That should be your husband but if you tell him it will lead to something else so what do you take another option?
You are not hiding it from him, if he ever gets to know you let him know why you couldn’t tell him.
Because he will turn the tables on you or probably go beat the person up and you did not want that.
Probably you could have a conversation from there that would lead to a change.
It could be your wife who is the one who is not understanding and as such, you can’t tell her everything happening at work because if you tell her she will cause a scene.
So what do you do? If you keep it to yourself you are guilty?
It’s not like you’re cheating or something so you can’t share that information.
You cannot just call her and say sweetheart this happened at work today and you both talk about it.
If you can’t say it that way it’s best to save yourself the trauma that may follow.
𝟐. 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐆𝐎𝐃
Another thing that is private in marriage is your relationship with God.
I know that people might find it surprising but the thing is you may pray to God as a family but as an individual, you need your personal relationship with God.
What you do with that relationship is your business, you are not under compulsion to share, it’s your relationship with God.
The way you talk to him, the things you talk to him about you can decide to keep them private, you must not share what they are.
You could be trusting God for something and you are asking him for something special, you may not want to reveal what you’re asking him for until it materializes.
For that reason, you don’t want to share what it is until God answers and then you may decide to share.
You must have a personal relationship with God if you want to excel in life and that’s just the truth.
In that relationship as a woman or a man you pray for your spouse, pray for your children, pray for your family.
You ask for things on their behalf and you must not tell your spouse I’m asking God to do this for you. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
3. THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR FAMILY
Something else you have to keep private from your spouse is things that happened in your family.
Before you stare at me, understand what I mean.
When you get married, of course, your spouse is supposed to become a member of your family but there’s still a limit to the things you can share with your spouse.
It is not that your spouse should keep a secret, the point is that some of these things that happened in your family are not your story.
You cannot tell him or her what they are because it is not just about you.
Your family may have decided that that incident should remain in-house and should not be shared with anyone, not even your spouse.
It could be something like sexual abuse of a sibling or a sibling’s child, just something of that nature that is very sensitive and your family decides to keep it in the house.
Not telling your husband or wife doesn’t mean that you don’t trust them, it means that you are keeping your word.
You all agreed as a family that it will remain in-house and will not share it for that reason you cannot share It.
It doesn’t mean that you are hiding something from your spouse.
That is not your story, it happened in your family to someone else that is not you and that person doesn’t want it told to anyone outside the immediate family.
It doesn’t mean that your spouse is not welcome but that matter is delicate and insensitive and you cannot go to share it.
It is even worse if your spouse doesn’t know how to keep a secret.
You can never share that piece of information with your spouse if you know they could even use it against the person or you or criticize your family.
It still goes back to knowing the kind of spouse you have.
Even if your spouse would not share it, once it has been agreed in your family that that information is private.
It should remain that way.
If something happened to you and you want to tell your spouse about it that’s fine but if it is not your story you are not under any obligation to share it.
Imagine if one of your siblings has been to prison for instance, especially was falsely accused or they were guilty that maybe in the person private information.
That is not something to go around sharing with people.
It didn’t even happen to you, you didn’t go to prison and you’re not under any obligation to share that piece of information with your spouse during a happy moment.
Imagine saying my brother or sister went to prison. Learn to respect people’s privacy.
If someone doesn’t want any information shared with anyone please don’t share it.
It is up to them to tell people I went to prison, I was sexually harassed, or something that happened to them.
It is their story, not yours. Just because it happened in your family doesn’t mean you get to share it around, that’s an invasion of someone’s privacy.
4. 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐔𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐂 𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐒
Something else you can choose to keep private in a marriage is your past experiences.
Now you might be wondering what I mean.
What I mean is that you may have a painful and traumatic experience.
You’re not ready to talk about it just yet, you decide not to share it because it is private.
You don’t want to tell anyone, especially your spouse.
Maybe one day you will but not just at that point.
In my opinion, I don’t think it is wrong if you don’t share a traumatic experience with your spouse, especially if it hurts so much to talk about it.
It happened before and it’s not like it’s something that affects your marriage in terms of your inability to have children or just something that affects marriage in a very dramatic way.
It doesn’t affect the health of your spouse either.
You may want to keep it. In cases of rape for instance and sexual harassment people don’t feel comfortable opening up about things like that sometimes.
It may have happened when you were a child and it may have been a family member.
You may not feel comfortable talking about such an experience.
The reason is you believe it can be used against you so you rather not talk about it.
Probably you have dealt with it and got closure and you don’t want to reopen that wound again.
You could ask what if he or she finds out later what they will do. Then you deal with it
We have to understand that there are things that happen in our past that we are not responsible for.
It’s a different thing if you are responsible and want someone else to pay for the consequences along with you.
If something happened to you that was so traumatic you may not want to talk about it.
You might have moved on but have dealt with it. It’s totally fine if you don’t share it.
5. 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒
One other thing you are not under obligation to share is your thoughts.
Your dreams and goals can be private.
You must not discuss them with your spouse.
It’s important to share things with your spouse but you can decide not to share your thoughts.
They are private and unique to you. They are personal and you may want to think about them in your private moment.
If you don’t want to discuss your thoughts with your spouse I don’t see how that affects your marriage.
Everyone needs that time when they get to sit alone and can take stock of how many miles they covered.
How far and how well they have fared.
That’s a private moment and your me-time. A lot of people seem to frown at the sound of the word ME TIME but the truth is everybody Needs Me time.
That is why spouses should go hang out with friends once in a while just to cool off.
Men hang out with their friends and watch football.
Women may hang with their friends probably at weddings but the point is you can’t always be around each other.
At some point, you need your own space which is one thing people don’t seem to understand.
You need to be able to collect your thoughts at some point and then you can come back to being together again.
Everybody needs that private time to think so you can keep your thoughts to yourself.
You must not share it and it doesn’t mean you’re not one with your spouse.
Your thoughts make you who you are.
It’s beautiful to share your worries but if it’ll get someone more worried it’s better not to share.
We all have what makes us individual and once you remove the individual from a person they lose who they are and they can no longer function effectively.
6. 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐅𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍
Something to keep private is your profession.
For instance, my husband is a doctor and there is doctor-patient confidentiality.
What that means is that he cannot give me information about a patient even if his patient is my sister or her child.
I know it seems shocking right but the truth is sometimes I ask my husband what’s wrong with my sister or my sister’s child.
He says I can’t tell you, ask your sister.
In the beginning, it seemed awkward and strange to me.
With time I got to understand that it’s his profession and he’s not under obligation to share information about patients with me.
I learned not to ask.
The same thing goes for other professions.
Imagine being a Minister or an evangelist in the church and people come to confide in you about issues bothering them
You should not go home and discuss with your spouse someone’s private information.
Whether they’re the kind to keep information and be confidential you shouldn’t do that, it is private.
When a spouse says my husband or my wife is hiding something from me.
They don’t want to tell me about their patient or a client, that’s their profession and they can’t share such information.
It is their job and some rules and ethics cannot be broken.
We all need to understand that if you are a counselor or a therapist my clients.
You’re not supposed to share information about those people.
7. HOW YOUR FAMILY TRULY FEELS ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE
One thing we need to understand is that as a married couple there are so many things you may not share and it doesn’t mean you’re hiding something.
Imagine if your family dislikes your spouse. If your family thinks your husband is good-for-nothing or up-to-no-good.
They think he can’t take care of you and provide for you.
They feel he has no future and some other things.
Are you supposed to tell him what your family thinks about him?
It’s your job to protect him from them.
You have to ensure that your spouse is protected from them, while not telling him what they think about him or her.
This issue is not hiding things from your spouse you need to know what to share.
If you know something will hurt somebody’s feelings, why tell them?
What do you gain from it? it’s not going to benefit them in any way so they should not hear it.
For that reason, once you know your family dislikes your spouse you have to try to keep them away from them and protect their interest.
CONCLUSION
Being married is about being able to maintain your individuality with your spouse’s individuality to form a strong bond.
Someone talks about marriage as two people playing the same melody with different instruments but still managing to come up with a harmonious melody.
Spouses have different temperaments, different love languages, and different personalities.
For that reason, you can’t expect a spouse to be exactly like you.
Once you can understand that you learn to live peacefully with people.
When you expect someone to be like you exactly that’s where the problems come from.
You come from a different background from your spouse.
You may have spent 20-30 years apart from each other.
You come from a different family so you’re bringing different backgrounds and you can’t expect them to be like you.
I am sure that they are other instances of privacy in marriage but these are the ones I could come up with on my own.
Thank you for reading.
© Treasure Ezuruike.
Please leave a comment, like, and share
